


Doctor Crouch

by DorianWilde



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Doctor Barty, Drama, Humor, Humour, Mistaken Identity, Parody, Romance, Torchwood - Freeform, janto, mentions of torchwood anyways, sometimes my head is an interesting place to be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-15
Updated: 2013-05-15
Packaged: 2017-12-11 23:52:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/804690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DorianWilde/pseuds/DorianWilde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I'm not him,” the Doctor insisted once more. “And no matter what he-we look like I can assure you, there's only one of me. I've counted,” he said desperately.</p><p> </p><p>Or the fic where the Doctor gets mistaken for notorious Death Eater Barty Crouch Jr, interrogated by auror Potter and- spoilers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doctor Crouch

**Author's Note:**

> You ever randomly started laughing hysterically with a friend at the thought of ten being arrested by aurors accused of being a Death Eater?
> 
> I have.

”This must be some kind of mistake,” the man insisted. Harry had been on his way home when Arthur Weasley's memo had zoomed through his door.

 

**Interrogation room five. Asap. -A Weasley**

 

“Save it, Crouch,” Arthur snapped before leaving the interrogation room, shutting and locking the door behind him. “What do you think?” he asked Harry who had stood outside behind a two-way mirror listening in.

 

“I saw the dementor suck his soul with my own eyes.” Harry suppressed a shudder. It had been seven years ago, but the memory still haunted him. To say he'd been shocked when Arthur had explained he'd captured Crouch by the visitors entrance was an understatement.

 

“Yet here he is,” Arthur said quietly. “Barty Crouch Jr.” The man in question was looking around the bare room, hands tied behind his back as a precaution, eyes moving rapidly until they turned towards the two-way mirror as if he could see right through it. His hair was different from the Crouch Harry remembered, the tresses not unlike Harry's own, and he spoke differently. He even dressed differently, a pinstriped brown suit and a lighter brown coat. Of course, that didn't really mean anything. They nodded at the healer, a petite woman with long curly hair, before she entered to examine the man to try and determine his identity. They'd tried to involve as few people as possible, which had turned out to be rather easy as it was a Friday afternoon and most people had left for the day.

 

“He doesn't have a Dark Mark ,” Harry pointed out as they began walking towards the evidence room.

 

“It doesn't prove anything,” Arthur countered. “He could have found some way to get rid of it.”

 

“I guess... Hi Mione.” Harry smiled at his best friend standing by a high table, a small box sitting by her elbow. She'd already been here when Harry had joined Arthur.

 

“Hello,” she said distractedly, fiddling with something in her hand. The metal cylinder suddenly started glowing in one end, giving off a blue light while making a high pitched, whirring noise, making both Harry and Arthur jump. “Hm.” She pointed it towards the switch by the door, sparks immediately appearing before the room went dark with a little 'puff'. “Absolutely fascinating,” she murmured.

 

“Right,” Harry breathed, making a mental note to send a memo to maintenance to fix the switch. Hermione flicked her wand, creating a large, glowing ball of light.

 

“I'm not sure what it is,” she said, indicating the cylinder. “I've never seen anything like it. It's not magical, but I doubt the muggles have this kind of technology.” She looked very happy about it, like she'd gotten a special edition of her favourite book, turning the thing over in her hands.

 

“Find anything else?” Arthur asked. He'd given her the contents of the man's coat and suit pockets.

 

“Yes.” She began lifting things out of the box. “Two stethoscopes, a toy mouse, a chewed gum, keys, a rubber duck, a note pad and a picture of a cat wearing a sombrero.”

 

“Cute,” Harry acknowledged as he looked at the picture. He lifted the small note pad and flipped through it.

 

“It's a to do-list,” Hermione informed him.

 

  1. _FIX THE BRAKES_

  2. ~~_Don't ever EVER let Donna buy pears again_~~ _I WILL BLOODY WELL BUY PEARS IF I FEEL LIKE IT_

  3. _New curtains for the_ _TARDIS_ _? I'm thinking red ones for Christmas_ _._ _Or purple. Or blue? Definitely green_

  4. _Say allons-y! more often_

  5. _Don't let Donna wander off. You know what happened last time_

  6. _Save the world_

  7. _Always bring a banana to a party_




 

“Auror Potter and Minister Weasley?” Healer Morrison wrung her hands. “Um-”

 

“Is it him?” Harry asked, hearth suddenly thumping faster. If one Death Eater suddenly showed up again...

 

“It- Well- Um-” the healer said eloquently.

 

“What did the test show?” Arthur demanded impatiently.

 

“He's got two hearts!” healer Morrison exclaimed.

 

Silence.

  
“...what?” Harry said finally.

  
“He's got to effin' hearts, auror!”

 

Silence.

 

“Bloody hell,” Hermione said after a few moments, for a second channelling her husband.

 

-'-'-

 

They'd put the man's things on the table in front of him, asking him to identify them. The answers hadn't been very helpful so they'd stuffed them back into Hermione's little box. (“How did it all fit in there?” “It's bigger on the inside.” “Nooo? That's brilliant!”) Then they'd once again tried to find out what the hell was going on.

 

“I'm  _the Doctor_ ,” the man insisted, emphasizing his- name? Title? He used it as a name, but what parent in their right mind would name their child 'the doctor', Harry wondered. “I'm not a wizard- but it's  _bloody fantastic_  you guys are. I haven't met a wizard in  _ages._  Last time was- Oh, never mind. Great chap though, we put a king on the throne. Arthur. Dear ol' Artie. Good times,” the Doctor trailed off, smiling happily to himself.

 

“...are you referring to Merlin?” Harry asked weakly. This guy, was so weird.

 

“Merlin! That's the one. Not sure why everyone assumes he had a beard. He tried, bless him, but he just didn't have the jawline for it.” The Doctor's restrained arms twitched, as if he was trying to gesture as he spoke.

 

“Right.” Harry exchanged looks with the others. The man was obviously a nutter.

 

“I haven't really tried to grow a beard since I got these nice sideburns-”

 

“You have two hearts,” healer Morrison said randomly, still in shock.

 

“I- yes. Yes I do. I thought we established that before you- eh, ran out of here?” The Doctor made a face.

 

“Why do you have two hearts?” Hermione asked curiously.

 

“It's complicated- weeell,” he interrupted himself. “Not  _that_  complicated- weeell, I guess for you it might be. I'm a Time Lord.” The looked at him blankly. “We have to hearts,” he clarified. “So there. Can I have my stuff back now?” he asked hopefully, sending them an innocent smile.

 

“No,” Arthur said shortly. “Why do you look like Barty Crouch Jr?” He once again tried to make the man answer his question.

 

“Uuumm...” the Doctor pondered that for a few moments. “I dunno. So many people some people are bound to look like other people?” His eyes widened as if he just realized what he'd said. It made him look a bit manic. “That kinda makes sense.” The Doctor grinned happily. “It was bound to happen. I would of course have preferred not to look like a- what did you call them again?”

 

“Death Eater,” Harry supplied helpfully.

 

“Death Eater, is that literally? What does that even  _mean_? They  _eat_  death? How can you-” The Doctor interrupted himself. “Well how can a  _human_  possibly do that?” he amended, narrowing his eyes in thought.

  
“It's the name of Voldemort's followers,” Harry clarified.

 

“Ooooooooh,” the Doctor looked enlightened, then frowned. “Who?”

 

“Voldemort. Dark Lord. Murdered thousands of muggles and wizards?” Hermione tried.

 

“Sorry. Must have missed it. Unless- Did he associate with the  _Daleks_  at some point?” They simultaneously shook their heads no. “Thought not. Worth a shot though. So!” He looked at them expectantly. “Are you going to let me go now?”

 

“No,” Arthur said tiredly.

 

“Doctor!” A very handsome man in a long grey coat burst into the room.

 

“Jack! Hello,” the Doctor smiled brilliantly at him as four wands snapped towards their latest arrival.

 

“Donna called Martha-” the man, Jack, begun in an American accent, “-who called me... Why are they pointing sticks at me?” Jack suddenly seemed to notice them.

 

“They're wizards,” the Doctor beamed, feet tapping against the floor. Harry had never met a guy more prone to excitement.

 

“Oh yeah?” Jack eyed them. “Hello, I'm Captain Jack Harkness,” he nodded, giving all of them a once over, making Harry blush crimson and Hermione straighten up and pull her fingers through her hair. “And who are  _you_?” he asked approvingly, sending Hermione a dazzling smile showing off perfect white teeth.

  
“ _Jack,_ ” the Doctor said sharply.

 

“I was just saying hello,” Jack insisted.

  
“We've had this conversation,” the Doctor retorted, glaring.

 

“I don't mind,” Hermione murmured, input unheard by the two men.

 

“So we did.” They stubbornly started a staring contest.

 

The four wizards and witches glanced at each other, unsure how to react.

 

Harry suddenly realized something. “How did you get all the way down here without noticing magic?” he asked, baffled.

 

“Never mind that, how did you get in here at all?” Hermione demanded.

 

“I was in a hurry,” Jack defended himself, ignoring Hermione's question, finally breaking eye contact with the Doctor. “What're you looked up for this time, doc?”

 

“Apparently I look like a death eating mass murderer,” the Doctor supplied, smiling sheepishly.

 

Jack raised his eyebrows disbelievingly, studying him for a few moments before shrugging. “Sorry. Don't see it.”

  
“He's the exact copy of Barty Crouch Jr, a man who supposedly had his soul sucked out of his body by a dementor,” Arthur told Jack. Jack winced.

 

“Supposedly?” Harry cut in.

 

“Well he's here now,” Arthur said, gesturing towards the Doctor.

 

“Could be a copy perhaps?” Hermione said doubtfully. “Or something like a  _horcrux_?”

 

“I'm not him,” the Doctor insisted once more. “And no matter what he- _we_  look like I can assure you, there's only one of me. I've counted,” he said desperately. “What's a  _horcrux_ ,” he added curiously.

 

“His readings aren't even human, it's possible that-” healer Morrison began but was interrupted by Jack.

 

“Of course not, he's an alien.”

 

Silence.

 

More silence.

 

“ _Really_?” Hermione asked, face somewhere between sceptical and intrigued.

 

“Yep,” the Doctor confirmed. “Told you. Time Lord. Can someone untie me?” he asked once again, looking from one to the other, request completely ignored.

 

“What does that even mean?” healer Morrison said weakly.

 

“He's from  _Gallifrey_ ,” Jack said impatiently. “Can we hurry this along? It's date-night and Ianto'll give me decaf for a week if I'm more than twenty minutes late. I hate decaf,” Jack defended himself as they all turned to stare at him.

  
“Wait, date-night as in you have a partner and you go on dates?” the Doctor asked, eyebrows rising impossibly high.

  
“Let's not label anyt- You know, why don't you just mind your own business?” Jack glowered. Harry wondered if Jack had forgotten he was supposedly here to rescue the Doctor -- or at least Harry figured that was the original reason Jack had dramatically burst into the room.

  
“Ianto Ianto Ianto Ianto Ianto, where have I heard that name before?” the Doctor pondered. “Ha! He's your coffee-boy! Martha told me all about him. Oh, I'm good.” He looked smugly at Jack who promptly ignored him.

 

“You'll not be pointing anything at me, sonny!” a female voice suddenly snapped followed by a yelp.

 

“What the-” Harry began as a red headed woman burst through the door.

 

“You bloody good for nothing Martian,” the woman scolded, making the Doctor shrink back a bit. “The no pointing rule goes for you too,” the woman warned, making the four of them take an involuntary step back while Jack's grin threatened to split his face in two.

 

“Donna!” the Doctor exclaimed. He exclaimed a lot, Harry had noted. “I thought you were visiting your mum and Wilf?”

 

“I was. Until you decided to get abducted by cross dressing nutters.” She put her hands on her hips, her glare this time encompassing all of them. Harry felt about as guilty as he did when Mrs Weasley did the same thing.

 

“Um, you're trespassing,” Arthur said, sounding a bit apologetic, most likely also recognizing the similarities between Donna and his wife.

 

“And you're kidnapping,” Donna countered in a ridiculing tone. “Jack, would you bloody untie him already?”

 

“Yes ma'am,” Jack said, saluting her before following her order.

 

“He's our prisoner,” healer Morrison insisted, pointing her wand at Donna. Harry had trusted his own gut feeling and kept his trained on Jack, unsure what to do. He'd learned to be wary of the wrath of read headed women. His gut feeling soon proved right as Donna simply grabbed the offending wand and snapped it in two over her knee. The four wizards and witches stared at her, mouths open.

 

“Right,” the Doctor said, rubbing his wrists. “Run!” he shouted, hurriedly snatching the box off the table. “Allons-y!” The three of them stared running, closely followed by the four ministry employees.

 

“Where's the _TARDIS_?” Harry heard Jack call.

 

“Not too far, if we manage to get out of here,” the Doctor answered, long legs taking him further and further away from his persecutes. Harry cursed under his breath. He couldn't get a clear shot, the narrow corridors making too many sharp turns.

 

“Top floor,” Donna insisted as they ran into a lift.

  
“What?” the Doctor said, voice becoming a bit high pitched.

 

“JUST DO AS I SAY!” Donna roared.

 

Harry's  _petrificus_ _totalus_ missed by an inch as the lift began ascending.

 

They got into another one, healer Morrison looking mournfully at the broken wand cradled in her hands. Harry truly felt for her, remembering the devastation when his own wand had broken.

 

“Don't fix it with spellotape,” Harry advised her, unsure what to say. “It never ends well.”

 

They burst out of the elevator, once again breaking into a run, hurling spells as they went. The three strangers seemed to have had much practise at running away from people, or so Harry gathered with the tempo they were keeping and the perfected dodging techniques.

 

A blue box stood next to the remembrance statue built after the war, the blue contrasting sharply against the golden phoenix.

 

A random blue box in the middle of the abandoned entrance hall should probably have surprised Harry, but being a wizard, things rarely did.

 

“I didn't park it here,” the Doctor squawked.

 

“I did,” Donna informed him, sounding a bit out of breath.

 

“You flew  _my_ _TARDIS_  without-” the Doctor begun indignantly but was silenced with  _a look._

 

“You're welcome,” Donna snapped sharply.

 

“ _Stupefy_!” Hermione's aim was a bit off as she was running, the spell bouncing harmlessly off the big blue box instead of hitting the Doctor. The man in question was practically bouncing as Donna opened the door and the three of them hurried inside, Jack's coat swishing dramatically.

 

Harry and the others could only stand by helplessly as the box blinked out of existence, no spell sticking to it.

 

-'-'-

 

Finally back in the _TARDIS_ , the Doctor began pulling different levers, petting the control panel, pressing buttons while Jack watched him thoughtfully and Donna watched Jack's backside appreciatively.

 

“What if you end up looking like a famous person next time?” he said, still mulling it over. His eyes lit up. “What if you wind up looking like John Barrowman? He's  _gorgeous,_ ” Jack enthused. “What if you wind up looking like  _me?_ Oh my god, in that case you'll  _have_  to find me.” Jack eyes shone as he imagined it. “I mean, the things we-”

 

“No,” the Doctor said firmly.

 

“I bet Ianto'd-”

 

“No. Way.”

 

“Aaaw, Doctor, come oooon,” Jack cajoled while Donna cackled.

 

“Let's just get you back to Cardiff,” the Doctor said firmly, cheeks flaming.


End file.
